A New Year, A New Me

I am not an easy person to get along with, for the most part. I am quick to judge, I am brutally honest, I can be a complete hypocrite, I tend to flake out on friends, I can be super lazy and do things half-assed, and, as some of my family members know, I have the biggest mouth.

These aren’t things I’m not already familiar with, and I have always had excuses for all of this behavior:
Some of the people I judged the harshest soon proved me wrong and became my best friends.
I would want someone to tell me if I was making poor decisions.
I know I shouldn’t be doing this after telling her she shouldn’t, but I don’t have a problem.

My friends have flaked out on me plenty of times, so I don’t feel bad for flaking out on them.
Who doesn’t enjoy a day lounging on the couch, binging on Sherlock?

I don’t understand why she’s mad at me, I don’t care who knows all my personal stuff.

Bullshit, isn’t it?

I’ve burned many bridges and hurt a lot of people I valued as friends with this attitude. I abandoned people in their time of need. I kept myself in a dark corner and then became angry if I wasn’t included in what was going on around me, that people hadn’t sought ME out. I would take every little slight personally, thinking that ‘they’re just assholes, what have I ever done to them’. I guess thought I was hot shit.

I first realized I was this way when I was in my early 20s {32 year old here} and it came as quite a surprise to me, after analyzing my attitudes, that I was exactly like someone I didn’t want to be. Someone I had known my entire life, who I had seen ruin relationship after relationship over something completely trivial things. I knew immediately that I had to change, and I started my transformation.

I worked on it very hard for years.
When I found myself starting to think that someone didn’t like me because I wasn’t invited to a party they had, I would at first be upset, but I would then take a breath and think, ‘When was the last time I reached out to them? They may just think I’m busy or unavailable.’.
If I realized I was talking shit about someone, for absolutely NO good reason, just because they may have rubbed me the wrong way, I would stop and ask myself, ‘What did they do to me? And does it really merit all this hatred I’m feeling?’.
I remember more than once someone would have to chide me for repeating something they had told me in confidence, and rather than look at it from their perspective and apologize, I would think how silly they were being, that everyone had issues and why should they be embarrassed? Soon I began to bite my tongue, keeping secrets closely guarded, trying to rebuild the trusts I had broken.
I started to create goals for myself at work and in health that I wanted to reach, and succeed in accomplishing. And I was taking steps to reach those objectives.

Then in the last year, a lot of anger began to build up in me again. It started off as confusion, hurt and sadness. And when I tried to make sense of it, I couldn’t. No amount of self-analyzation helped. I felt as though I was being kept in the dark about a lot of things happening around me and that those close to me were keeping things from me. I could’ve sworn that people were laughing and pointing at me from behind my back. Nothing I told myself helped alleviate these incredibly negative feelings. Over time, the sadness and confusion blossomed into an anger nothing short of rage, and incredible meanness. I was saying and doing things deliberately to hurt those close to me.

I found myself judging people I had never even met, and talking shit about them, not caring if they found out. I started drinking a lot, to the point of being black-out drunk and becoming an emotional wreck by the end of the night and making a complete, and utter fool of myself. It didn’t matter. It’s not like I was the only one with a horror story after a night on the town. And my life was shit anyways, what did it possibly matter?

This anger and hatred escalated quickly over time. I became verbally abusive to the one person closest to me, often trying to make them feel terrible about themselves. Then one night, I actually hit someone, someone that I love more than anything. The shame I felt {still feel}. . . I can’t even describe it. Something had to change, had to happen. How much further down could I go from there? I could potentially lose everyone around me, lose my job, my home, my dogs – my sense of self. I could become completely and utterly alone and the scariest thing is that I wasn’t that far from that happening. It was just around the corner.

Depression set in. It was visible physically and emotionally. My skin started to break out. I had huge bags under my eyes from not getting good sleep for months. I was so tense that I was getting terrible headaches. I was snapping at people for no reason, pushing them away. I soon {and very recently} realized the worst thing – this was exactly how I felt as an angry, out of control teenager. This was the person I had been striving so hard to NOT be, had grown so far away from over the last 8 or so years. And I let it happen in no time at all.

Up until about 1 week ago, I hated myself. I hated my super-sensitivity. I hated my unwarranted anger towards people. I hated letting my emotions fly out of control. I hated who I had become.

But I can change that, I need change that. I’m not making this decision to go back to working to better myself because it’s a new year. That doesn’t matter. 2014 is nothing but a calendar date. I’m doing this because I reached a low point in my life, one of the lowest, and I am scared I am going to do something harmful to myself, or those around me.

I will stop hating myself
I will stop hating others
I will stop being jealous of other people’s lives
I will stop judging others
I will see things from your perspective
I will be understanding
I will practice patience
I will open myself to new possibilities
I will rebuild the bridges I have burned
I will cherish everyone in my life
I will keep my promises
I will smile more
I will treat everyone around me the way I want to be treated
I will keep in mind other people’s bad days
I will stop taking things personally
I will remember that I am loved
I will stop losing people over trivial things
I will keep your secrets & earn  your trust
I will be a better person for me & for you
I will love more

Hope

Adios Abuela. . .Le Faltaré

After an insanely fun birthday week winded down last Sunday, I received some news that absolutely broke my heart: my abuela had passed away.

Mi Abuela

Words cannot express how I feel about the loss of my abuela. She was the most elegant woman I have ever met. Dressed to the nines, always, she would take my sisters and I to do whatever we wanted to do when we went to visit her. “Want some ice cream? Of course darlings, just let me put my pearls on.”

At a too-young age she lost both of her parents. She helped raise her other brothers and sisters and eventually married my abuelo. He was a bit older and treated her like the queen she was. She deserved it. They started a large, beautiful family that I am more than honored to be a part of. Over the years, her family started to dwindle.

Mis Abuelos

First, my abuelo died, way before his time. Even 25+ years later my abuela would tell me about the love of her life, what an honorable and cherished man he was. We would all be so lucky in life to find what they had.

Next was my young and fun uncle Gera {I know I’m spelling it wrong family, and I’m sorry}. I don’t think he was even out of his 20s when he died in a car accident, not 6 months after his wedding. That one hit me really hard. One of my memories of him was when I was about 5 and we were in the old house. He was getting ready for a trip to the States and was counting his dollar bills. I started to tease him about something as I was coming down the marble staircase in socks. I fell. He quickly picked me up and soothed my little-girl tears.

The last loss was my own father. Before he was even 50 years old he succumbed to lung cancer. He was the oldest son. He had moved permanently to the States but visited home whenever he could. He was the life of the party, always with a joke at the tip of his tongue and even a cheesy magic trick up his sleeve. He was awesome.

I'm sure we were sharing sparkling apple juice

I’m sure we were sharing sparkling apple juice

Through all these hardships, my abuela kept her head high and carried on. She will always be in my heart. I will miss her but I know she’s now at peace and with those she had lost throughout her life. Despedida, Abuela, la paz sea contigo.

I’m Just Gonna Put this Out There

I work on the website for a beautiful home decor store located in my town. I love it. I love my job, I love my fellow employees and I love what we carry {sorry paycheck}. Today though, I have not loved my web customers. They keep returning things that I want them to keep. Why oh why Universe?! Please make them love their stuff. It’s pretty. It’s expensive. And once they open their packages, it’s theirs!! Right?

So, I’m feeling a little disheartened. A bit embarrassed. Even a little downtrodden. Everyone wants to succeed at their job, including me. This is making me less of a success and more of a failure. Please, no pity party. Just need to get it off my chest as I’m sure I’m not the only one who experiences this.

Damn. Maybe tomorrow we’ll get a great, huge order. Fingers crossed!

on a side note, i went to find a ‘woe is me’ image to put in here and found this little band instead. so now i feel old as well. *sigh*

sigh

Grrrrrrrrrr…… Back Away Slowly

Yesterday was a great day.

I had a wonderful brisk, fall walk with the pups in the morning.

I had a great dentist appointment.

I got things done at work that have been neglected.

I made a dinner date with friends for tonight.

I talked to my sis on the phone.

I had an amazing meal prepared by my amazing boyfriend.

I looked at the endless stars in the night sky while taking the pups out one more time.

I watched Oldboy – an effing awesome Asian movie with lots of violence.

I had a great night’s sleep, including not being woken up by my new snoring piglet of a dog.

Then morning time came and my sweet little so-and-so of a dog jumped onto my head, started whining at me and punched me in the face with her furry little paw.

See how evil she is?

Needless to say, I was awake. I got out of bed and JESUS it was cold. Great. (And I’m only pissed about this because I’m 99.9% sure my heater no longer works.)

Whatever, the dogs are both awake at this point and wanting to go outside. I do feel for them. They have to hold it all day and night, so I get warmly dressed, find my headphones and stumble out the door, barely awake.

Again, brrr. The ground was frozen solid, with plant-life breaking under my feet. The cold air was biting at my face and piercing my pants, but the dogs were having a nice morning, and generally walking them in the park puts me in a good mood. This morning there wasn’t a soul to be seen, which made it feel very solitary and I liked it.

Then, I hear it – loud, booming bass. It’s a ways away, though getting closer. The park is right off a busy road, so I assume (ass+you+me) it was a crew of Mexican* construction workers heading somewhere to work. But wait, it’s getting louder, and it sounds like it’s coming up behind me. What the….. I look over and driving along the mountainside are two effing low riders with tinted windows shaking because of the effing bass that is being blasted.

I just about lost it. My morning that had started so annoyingly with Isadorah was finally calming down, and these pendejos had to go and burst the tranquil morning with shit music at 8:30 a.m. I head home. What else can I do?

Once at home, I enjoy my ‘me time’ by making tea and breakfast, doing a couple dishes, etc. I’m calming down once again, thank goodness, and head to work.

And now, at work, I’m being pestered with questions I can’t answer, have told people I can’t answer, and just sit there as they ask me anyways. *sigh*

Am I in a bad mood? Meh. Am I annoyed? Usually. Will it get better today? It effing better! Until then though, tread carefully. Please. And thank you.

*I am not being racist or stereotyping. There is a huge Mexican population up here and a lot of them work construction. Also, they love to bump the bass.