A New Year, A New Me

I am not an easy person to get along with, for the most part. I am quick to judge, I am brutally honest, I can be a complete hypocrite, I tend to flake out on friends, I can be super lazy and do things half-assed, and, as some of my family members know, I have the biggest mouth.

These aren’t things I’m not already familiar with, and I have always had excuses for all of this behavior:
Some of the people I judged the harshest soon proved me wrong and became my best friends.
I would want someone to tell me if I was making poor decisions.
I know I shouldn’t be doing this after telling her she shouldn’t, but I don’t have a problem.

My friends have flaked out on me plenty of times, so I don’t feel bad for flaking out on them.
Who doesn’t enjoy a day lounging on the couch, binging on Sherlock?

I don’t understand why she’s mad at me, I don’t care who knows all my personal stuff.

Bullshit, isn’t it?

I’ve burned many bridges and hurt a lot of people I valued as friends with this attitude. I abandoned people in their time of need. I kept myself in a dark corner and then became angry if I wasn’t included in what was going on around me, that people hadn’t sought ME out. I would take every little slight personally, thinking that ‘they’re just assholes, what have I ever done to them’. I guess thought I was hot shit.

I first realized I was this way when I was in my early 20s {32 year old here} and it came as quite a surprise to me, after analyzing my attitudes, that I was exactly like someone I didn’t want to be. Someone I had known my entire life, who I had seen ruin relationship after relationship over something completely trivial things. I knew immediately that I had to change, and I started my transformation.

I worked on it very hard for years.
When I found myself starting to think that someone didn’t like me because I wasn’t invited to a party they had, I would at first be upset, but I would then take a breath and think, ‘When was the last time I reached out to them? They may just think I’m busy or unavailable.’.
If I realized I was talking shit about someone, for absolutely NO good reason, just because they may have rubbed me the wrong way, I would stop and ask myself, ‘What did they do to me? And does it really merit all this hatred I’m feeling?’.
I remember more than once someone would have to chide me for repeating something they had told me in confidence, and rather than look at it from their perspective and apologize, I would think how silly they were being, that everyone had issues and why should they be embarrassed? Soon I began to bite my tongue, keeping secrets closely guarded, trying to rebuild the trusts I had broken.
I started to create goals for myself at work and in health that I wanted to reach, and succeed in accomplishing. And I was taking steps to reach those objectives.

Then in the last year, a lot of anger began to build up in me again. It started off as confusion, hurt and sadness. And when I tried to make sense of it, I couldn’t. No amount of self-analyzation helped. I felt as though I was being kept in the dark about a lot of things happening around me and that those close to me were keeping things from me. I could’ve sworn that people were laughing and pointing at me from behind my back. Nothing I told myself helped alleviate these incredibly negative feelings. Over time, the sadness and confusion blossomed into an anger nothing short of rage, and incredible meanness. I was saying and doing things deliberately to hurt those close to me.

I found myself judging people I had never even met, and talking shit about them, not caring if they found out. I started drinking a lot, to the point of being black-out drunk and becoming an emotional wreck by the end of the night and making a complete, and utter fool of myself. It didn’t matter. It’s not like I was the only one with a horror story after a night on the town. And my life was shit anyways, what did it possibly matter?

This anger and hatred escalated quickly over time. I became verbally abusive to the one person closest to me, often trying to make them feel terrible about themselves. Then one night, I actually hit someone, someone that I love more than anything. The shame I felt {still feel}. . . I can’t even describe it. Something had to change, had to happen. How much further down could I go from there? I could potentially lose everyone around me, lose my job, my home, my dogs – my sense of self. I could become completely and utterly alone and the scariest thing is that I wasn’t that far from that happening. It was just around the corner.

Depression set in. It was visible physically and emotionally. My skin started to break out. I had huge bags under my eyes from not getting good sleep for months. I was so tense that I was getting terrible headaches. I was snapping at people for no reason, pushing them away. I soon {and very recently} realized the worst thing – this was exactly how I felt as an angry, out of control teenager. This was the person I had been striving so hard to NOT be, had grown so far away from over the last 8 or so years. And I let it happen in no time at all.

Up until about 1 week ago, I hated myself. I hated my super-sensitivity. I hated my unwarranted anger towards people. I hated letting my emotions fly out of control. I hated who I had become.

But I can change that, I need change that. I’m not making this decision to go back to working to better myself because it’s a new year. That doesn’t matter. 2014 is nothing but a calendar date. I’m doing this because I reached a low point in my life, one of the lowest, and I am scared I am going to do something harmful to myself, or those around me.

I will stop hating myself
I will stop hating others
I will stop being jealous of other people’s lives
I will stop judging others
I will see things from your perspective
I will be understanding
I will practice patience
I will open myself to new possibilities
I will rebuild the bridges I have burned
I will cherish everyone in my life
I will keep my promises
I will smile more
I will treat everyone around me the way I want to be treated
I will keep in mind other people’s bad days
I will stop taking things personally
I will remember that I am loved
I will stop losing people over trivial things
I will keep your secrets & earn  your trust
I will be a better person for me & for you
I will love more

Hope

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